I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
