I seem to have left my pride at pride
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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