Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
