Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
