i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
