WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
