By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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