i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
