You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
