Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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