I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
