nut hugger
im six kinds of drunk right now
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
so much tequila, so little girl.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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