cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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