I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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