is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
