you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
