paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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