I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
