I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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