just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
