I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
