I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
