I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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