Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
