wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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