Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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