Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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