a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
