I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
