I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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