the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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