you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
