i can't believe i had my finger in that
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
