Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
