you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
