Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
