What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
