You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
