my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Where is the hickey?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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