Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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