So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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