How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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