I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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