He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
