sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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