and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
