i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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