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my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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