What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
