Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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