4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
