we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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