Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
4 words: hood of his car
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
