Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
