Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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