and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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