I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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