so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
