nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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