If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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